Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Day we said goodbye

On the day that Amelia passed away was a hard day I had woke because for some strange reason out dog would not stop barking and I looked at the time and thought gee Amelia is having a big sleep and that is when I reached over and placed my hand on my beautiful little girl and knew she was just not breathing and at that point I woke John up pretty calmly given the situation and said John I think Amelia has passed away and his first reaction was to jump up and pick her up and give her a cuddle for a bit then he handed her back to me at this point I broke down and cuddled my little girl while John woke his mum up and told her that Amelia had passed away and she came into me while John went and phoned his older sister to tell her and I remember saying to John’s mum that what if I had been awake maybe she would not of passed away I blamed myself for being asleep.

From the moment Amelia was born alive I always thought that when the time came for her passing we would be holding her and comforting her so she would know she was not alone at no point did I ever imagine would I wake from my sleep to find that she had passed away and then it left with not knowing if she had passed away peacefully or whether she had suffered I have had lots of doctors and nurses tell me that if she had suffered that we would of known as she was in bed between us but still it took a lot of time to accept this.

So John phoned the hospital I dressed Amelia in a pretty pink dress and wrapped her in one of her pretty pink blankets and also by this stage I had called my mum and John’s sister arrived and then we left to take Amelia to our local hospital when we got to the hospital we were met in the special care nursery by one of the doctors that was there the day Amelia was born plus and number of the nurses who had cared for Amelia was also working that day we put in a room to spend a bit of time with Amelia and to take some hand and foot prints cut some of her beautiful hair and just have lots of cuddles with Amelia my mum and one of my Aunties also came up as well as John’s sister and mum. We gave Amelia a bath the nurses did a shift change and 2 of the midwifes that was there when Amelia was born came by and said goodbye to Amelia our family left and not long after they left the doctor and a nurse that had cared for Amelia had came in and said that they had spoken to Amelia’s doctor from another hospital (Amelia was under the care of 2 doctors one at our local hospital and another one from another hospital) and had said he had the results from Amelia’s genetic testing and it all came back clear so they wanted to take 2 hole punches of Amelia’s skin and they wanted to do it soon so at this point John and I decided to leave. The last time we saw our little girl she was being lovingly cuddled by a beautiful nurse had cared for her this was the same nurse who was there the day we took Amelia home from the hospital she cried on that day to so at 8 am on the Sunday morning we were walking away from the hospital without our little girl this is the day we said goodbye to our firstborn a special and amazing little girl who changed our lives forever

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Big Scan

Well today was the day for our scan and I can tell you I was stressing and feeling sick we got to the hospital early and while we were sitting in the waiting out walks the dreaded doctor I did not want to see so my anxiety kicked up a notch.

We were called into a room by a lovely woman who was doing the scan and started the scan and kept pointing things out to us and the one thing John and I both agree on this baby has the same shaped head that Amelia had all was l looking good and then the lady says for us to take a seat in the waiting room as the dr will want to do a scan she also said that she could not see anything in the scan to be concerned about but I still felt nervous.

50 minutes past and we were called back in and thank God we ended up with a different dr who was just lovely and he quickly repeated the scan and asked us questions about Amelia and had a look at some photos of her and ended the scan with as far as I can see you are having a nice healthy baby.

We are very happy am feeling a bit drained now so it will be an early night for me

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Scan and Doctors

Tomorrow we go for our scan and one thing that worries me beside the obvious is the chance of getting the same doctor that did our scan at 20 & 28 weeks with Amelia.

When I last saw my obstetrician at 17 weeks he handed me a slip of paper and said “Sorry to do this to you Linda I know how you feel about having to go to this hospital for a scan but we need you to have it done there”. With Amelia we had the scan done and it was performed by the same doctor who I feel needs a bit of a wakeup call and to realise he is not God.

We were told by this doctor our little girl would definitely have Trisomy 13 and wanted me to have an amnio done as we had told them we would not terminate the pregnancy so his solution was for me to do it and then at 32 weeks go to my local hospital to be induced at the first scan I was in shock and just took everything as gospel and just nodded and agreed with him but I did not want to have the amnio done then and there so we planned to wait a bit longer and discuss this at our 28 week scan. So off to home we go and did some research and spoke to people I found that doctors will not do anything to help babies with trisomy 13 and that in most cases yes the babies with trisomy 13 did pass away but not all and plus on the one website I found 3 different cases of an amnio being incorrect and these 3 babies turned out not to have T13 sadly 2 of those cases the little babies were very sick and did pass away and one of the babies was induced at 32 weeks just like the doctor recommend I do was totally healthy but cause of the diagnosis of T13 nothing was done to help mature the lungs of the baby so the parents and that baby had to go through a lot of stress and a lot of time in hospital that would not of been necessary. All this was convincing me to stick with the not wanting to have the amnio plus I was really angry as I had said I would not terminate but really what this doctor was wanting me to do was a late termination.

I talked to my Ob at the time (which luckily enough is the same Ob I have now) and agreed that due to the fact I would not terminate that there was not much point in the amnio and that we would go for the 28 week scan and see if there were any changes than after that we would not have any more scans done and relax and enjoy my pregnancy and that I would be induced at 38 weeks. We were all happy with this plan.

Off we go for my 28 week scan we also had a student midwife come with us as she already worked at this hospital and a little bit more support would be nice, the scan went ahead and nothing had got worse but nothing had got better and then came the amnio talk, well this did not go well I told the silly dr that I had talked to my ob and decided against it but apparently he had other ideas and started getting angry at us and then John and him nearly got into an argument and being I hate confrontation I ended up saying that I would think about it some more which I was not going to but thought it would be easier to walk out and never come back for the scan but then to top it off we started to talking to a midwife there and happened to mention I was going to be induced at 38 weeks and then proceeded to get a brief lecture about how bad it was for me to be induced I mean really what was it to these people I was not even having my baby at the hospital.

We walked out of that hospital thinking that would be the end of it but no at my 30 week check up with my Ob (my student midwife was at this appointment to) I was greeted with the news that the doctor who had done my scans had contacted him and asked him to place pressure on me to have the amnio done but my Ob did not agree with him and proceeded to tell me why I should not have it done.

When Amelia was born it was discovered that she did not have T13 in fact whatever her genetic disorder was would never be picked up by an amnio so if I had gone through with it would have told them nothing.

We have briefly seen the dr again when Amelia spent a few days at the hospital (another long story which is also another reason I do not like this hospital) and we were very tempted to approach him and say he was oh so wrong but did not hopefully the not so nice letter that my Ob wrote to the hospital after Amelia was born had some sort of impact on him but I highly doubt it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Emotions

Ok so clearly I have not written in 12 months so to give a very brief catch up here is where I am at.

We went for the detailed scan and they found that our little girl Amelia had a number of issues which led them to believe she had Trisomy 13 which is not compatible with life so John and I declined further testing and decided to continue with our pregnancy without interference so on the 12th of August at 38 weeks I was induced and on the 14th of August Amelia Grace McGowan was born bring so much joy to our lives and after a lot of testing she was found not to have trisomy 13 and to date her genetic disorder is still unknown but we were still told due to the severity of the problem with her brain and kidney’s that she would still not survive so we decided to take her home with us which is where she stayed till 3 months and 1 week of age on the 21st of November she passed away sleeping between her mum and dad.

Fast-forward to now (I will go into more detail with what we went through and our time with Amelia as time goes on) I am 20 weeks pregnant this week and also this Friday it will have been 6 months since we said goodbye to our little angel Amelia and we have our 20 week scan this week so this is one emotional week for John and I.

Come Thursday at 1.30pm I am having a detailed scan done so far this pregnancy I have remained very optimistic but now we are so close to our 20 week scan I can’t help but worry due to the autopsy results being back we are still very unsure of why Amelia had this condition or what it is so we have been told that we have a 1:50 chance of it happening again but that could change so this week I am struggling with the not knowing the other thing I am finding very hard this week is missing my baby girl a lot this week I was told as time goes on it gets easier but at the moment I am finding it harder cause all I really want to do is curl up in bed and have snuggles with my little girl this is what I really want to do but unfortunately it is not possible don’t get me wrong I always miss and love Amelia and always wish I could be holding her but recently that desire is a lot stronger than it normally is which is strange and I am starting to think part of the reason I am feeling this way is due to the fact that on Thursday we will find out if this baby is a healthy baby or if this little one has the same genetic disorder as his/her big sister.

I am planning to Blog on a regular basis no matter what the scan shows on Thursday so please bear with me because really I am all very new to this whole blog thing