Thursday, December 29, 2011

Missing Out

Do you ever feel like you are missing out on something?

This is how I feel all the time I am missing out on my little girl I am missing out on seeing her grow and knowing what sort of person she would of made.

I am missing out on seeing her and Israel together I have seen Israel watch other kids and smile and light up while watching other kids I know he would of loved to watch his big sister and being able to play with her.

I am just straight up missing my little girl

Monday, December 19, 2011

So much to say

I know it has been a long time and trust me I have so much to say but always seem to hesitate in saying it.

I feel a bit guilty. I love Amelia and Israel exactly the same and have cared for them exactly the same way BUT I feel more attached to Israel and at the end of the day I believe that me feeling more attached to Is is because subconsciously to an extent I protected myself when it came to Amelia.

You would think I would be looking forward to Christmas this year as we have Is with us BUT I am not really feeling it I feel very aware that I should have a one year old who should be trying to get at the presents under the tree and come Christmas day be more interested in the packaging rather than the gifts themselves.

Israel is such a happy boy love my little family and am missing Amelia a lot at the moment.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Oh Israel has a present from Amelia under the Christmas tree this year my beautiful mum had bought Amelia a Christmas present last year before she left us and she gave it to me to give to Is this year from Amelia so I think this will be our way of including Amelia in our Christmas every year :)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Looking at the positive

A very common question I get being pregnant is

Is this your first?

Well I chose to be up front and honest and my answer is always no this is our second and then the next question is always

How old is your other one?

Well then the answer is actually our little girl passed away at 3 months of age.

Now the first thing out of a persons mouth is I am so sorry and you know I kind of feel bad that people so bad for asking cause John and I look on having Amelia as a very positive thing one of the best things to happen to us being blessed with Amelia as our daughter YES it is sad that she is no longer here physically with us but our little girl lived her life even though it was short but she had a good life and was loved YES I would love for her to still be with us on earth but wanting this does not change anything.

From them saying sorry we try to turn it around and try get people see the positive of what having Amelia has done and that we are not sad or scared to talk about her as we are proud of her and would at the end of it having people walk away from us not feeling bad for us but happy for us the blessing we have to of been gifted with Amelia.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Coming to an end

Well I can't believe that my pregnancy is almost at an end and we will soon be meeting out little boy (not so little) the time has gone quick but in terms of meeting our little boy it can't come quick enough.
As my pregnancy has gotten close to the end emotionally I have found fit a bit harder and never had the sort of feelings I have now that I did in Amelia's pregnancy, With Amelia I was in no hurry to have Amelia come out so I was never impatient I also never overly stressed if she had a quiet day but with this little boy I am just wanting to be full term so he can come out and I have also got worried when he has gotten quiet and taken myself off to the hospital to have him monitored because of it.
I think the reason for these feelings may be (A) because in my mind Amelia was safe while she was inside so I did not want her to come out into the unknown world (B) I knew it was likely that she would not make it to birth so in some part of me had prepared myself for that (C) I am more so aware of the things that can go wrong in pregnancy.
So in about 2 and a half weeks we will be expecting to welcome our little boy into the world praying that things go smoothly and our little boy is very healthy and happy.
FATHERS DAY
Just wanted to wish all the fathers out there a beautiful fathers day and specially my wonderful husband John you are such an awesome dad and words cannot say how glad I am that you are the father of my children xxx

Friday, August 12, 2011

Getting to know Amelia Grace

The greatest gift I have ever received was having the chance to get to know our beautiful little girl the time may of been short (no amount of time would of ever been long enough) but we have a lifetime of memories that John and I as well as our friends and family can talk about.

PREGNANCY

While I was pregnant we learnt we had a very stubborn girl (this served her well) at our 2nd 20 week scan they were trying to get a good look at her brain well she had other ideas and moved up behind my belly button which meant the dr spent a good deal of time trying to push her out from behind it and as soon as they did she would go directly back behind it she proved in all scans that she had that she was going to do what she wanted and very rarely co-operated the other big thing was as soon as anyone besides me would touch my belly she would stop moving (this upset John a bit).

BIRTH and BEYOND

Right from the moment Amelia was born she was very much a daddy's girl and her daddy was very smitten with his little girl she also continued with her stubbornness and had the will to prove a lot of people wrong being born alive was one of her first things she did which it was not expected to do. I remember on her first night of being out in the world I was sitting in the SCN there were to lovely nurses on and a handful of babies they were playing some music and singing along to it (the nurses not the babies )and one of the nurses got to talking to me and she said I don't think she has trisomy 13 or 18 because she is not acting the way a baby with this behaves as she was doing so well her stats were really good (we were not expecting the results back to the next day)Amelia kept this going and never did what anyone expected her to do including us her parents.

When Amelia was 6 days old we were at our local hospital the decision was made that we wanted to take her home to be with us so we were put into a parents room with the aim that if Amelia made it to Sunday (they had told us that they felt Amelia would not make it through the weekend)that we would take her home and we needed to know how to care for her and to make sure we would not panic if anything went wrong and from that night our baby girl had gone from a baby that was more than happy to sleep in the cot of a night time to a baby who would not sleep unless with her parents this lead us to having to co-sleep as Amelia would not sleep any other way and we tried on numerous occasions to get her to sleep on her own.

I could go on for ages about lots of stories about Amelia but to sum her up she was a beautiful little girl (we used to get random strangers make comments about her all the time) she was a very peaceful girl (people would often say that they felt very peaceful around her) strong willed and was going to do things her own way and in her own time including the way and the when she passed away (medical professionals would often say that she was not what they expected and the amount of times we heard she was going to pass away in the very near future and she never did and she also did not stay with us till Christmas like John and I wanted her to). Amelia loved her pram and her swing, she was cuddly and loved her cuddles and knew how to get them.

she has bought so much Joy to us and our family and we can never imagine going through life and never of getting to meet her

Happy Birthday to our beautiful little angel we know you are in heaven and we look forward to the day we will be with you and be able to hold you again

Monday, July 25, 2011

Not The Natural Order Of Things

On Thursday I went for what I thought would be a very quick usual visit to the hospital well that trip turned to me being sent on my way to relax at maternity assessment for a few hours ( the emotions that bought up is a whole other post but just know both baby and mum are fine :).

While chilling at maternity assessment I got talking to one of the nurses about how a loss of a child is just something you never get over ( all though there seems to be a lot of people out there who think you should just get over it ) this nurse herself had never experienced the loss of a child but her mother did and she said her mum never got over it really or forgot the child and I personally know it is something that we are going to get over and forget we have a daughter that we will miss for the rest of our lives until the day that we are again with her.

My grandmother had a little girl that passed away a few hours after birth this is all we know as back in her day it was something that you just did not talk about so we know nothing about the situation and of course we have wondered if it is possible if our little girl and the little girl who really would of been my aunty had suffered the same medical condition. When I was about 16 I think my Uncle Michael passed away in his very early 40's and my grandmother was devastated by this and I remember her saying to me you are just not meant to out live your children that is not how it is meant to be at all it's not natural.

I wonder if this is the reason it is a lot harder to cope with the loss of a child as apposed a loss of a loved one? I have lost some loved ones who I was very close to and really loved and still miss but none of that compares to how I feel over the loss of my daughter

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Something as simple as a facebook profile picture

Since the 14th of August 2010 on both mine and John's facebook profile picture Amelia has been a part of it accept maybe once I briefly changed mine and Amelia was not in the photo but it did not stay that way for very long anyway this got John and I talking about the thought of changing our profile pics.

We both find this a bit hard and upsetting (seems silly I know) in an ideal world it would not be an upsetting issue it would be a case of having a photo with our 2 children that we could use as a picture and not feeling like having to make a choice or feel like we are neglecting one of our children in any way .

We did not have another baby to replace Amelia as all children we may have in the future are children we had to grow our family and will all be loved and cherished and just as important as Amelia was and Amelia will never be forgotten an we know this but why then is it so hard that something as simple as changing a facebook profile picture so upsetting and feel like that we will be letting down one of our children?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Birthday's

Well in just a little over a month under normal circumstances we would be celebrating Amelia turning 1 and there would be birthday cake, Balloons, presents and an excited 1 year old who would most likely be more interested in the wrapping paper than the gifts it's self.

Well our day wont go exactly like that but there is NO WAY that we would or could go pass without marking the day that the most beautiful little gift was born so we have decided that we wanted to spend the day with family and friends and have a BBQ and some butterfly cupcakes and thanks to our beautiful friends and family there are going to be 22 butterflies released on the day and I know that the day will be just beautiful.

John and I feel very lucky to have the friends and family that we have

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

We got Amelia's Autopsy results

Well this will be a short post but today we had an appointment at my local hospital today with Amelia's doctor to get her results from the Autopsy and well we really did not learn anything that we did not already know it has been put down to one of those things and John and I are ok with this and are happy to put this part behind us and just focus on the good things Amelia has bought to our lives.

The support we have received from my local hospital has just been fantastic I could never imagine having Amelia any were else and am looking to having our Son there in about 12 weeks time.

My goal now is just to try and relax and enjoy every moment that is left of my pregnancy as I know once he is out in the world I will miss being pregnant as I am one of those lucky few that physically have good pregnancies but I know I will love having my baby with me more.

Thank you everyone for your support words really is not enough to say how much it means to us.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Time

Time is going so quick it is hard to believe that in just short of 13 weeks we will be meeting out little boy both John and I are very excited and cannot wait but of course we are also a bit nervous and a bit sad that our little boy will not get to meet his beautiful big sister.

Today we got stuck into sorting out a nursery for our boy which is something we did not do with Amelia we had all the stuff we needed for Amelia to bring her home but we never set up a room for her as she was in our room with us anyway which admittedly our little man will be to so we took the bassinet back into our room to today.

It is all starting to feel more real these days I used to think Amelia was a very active baby but nothing like her brother which is fine with one of the best things for me about being pregnant is feeling those precious little kicks it always brings a smile to my face.

On another note today we took 30 Lockets to the hospital and again on another note next Tuesday is the day we get Amelia's Autopsy results and naturally we feel very nervous about this but we are looking forward to having it over with so we can put it behind us as just focus on all the positive and good things that having Amelia bought to our life.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

How do you not worry?

John and I as a general rule are pretty laid back and tend not to worry or stress too much when it comes to most things.

So my question is how do we try not to stress when it comes to pregnancy??? Leasing up to my scan we were stressed about what they might find and they found nothing wrong well that peace and relief lasted for a week till I had a check up with my GP who told me I was measuring a bit big I was cool with that as I knew from the scan Israel was measuring a bit big a few days after my appointment I made the mistake of looking at my blue book and her version of a bit ahead was me measuring 31 weeks when at the appointment I was just short of 22 weeks so then my stress turned to the fact that my gp made a comment about being careful due to the babies lungs and of course had me panicking all over again I had an appointment at the hospital today with my Endo and he has managed to put my mind at ease again but now I am wondering what I will freak out about next.

I enjoy pregnancy a lot but I also what the next 15 weeks to go really quickly as I am sick of being paranoid about something going wrong and people telling me to just relax and enjoy now bugs me cause if I could do this trust me I would since having Amelia I am more aware of the things that can go wrong.

Am I going to be like this every pregnancy?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Amelia's Autopsy Results

I don’t usually say too much about it but we are still waiting on Amelia’s Autopsy results and in the time leading up to my scan I attempted to follow it up and see if there was a chance that they were back yet as I was feeling very anxious about my scan and what they may find so I put in a call and was told Amelia’s dr would get back to me but that she did not think they were back yet otherwise I would of been contacted by now and well yes I did know this but I was just hoping.

1 week after my scan I got a call from one of the doctors from the hospital (I think it turned out Amelia’s dr was away) to be told no they had not yet finished but the results from all her genetic testing and DNA was back and it all came back normal now I feel frustrated because it looks more like we are not going to really get any answers and that everything is just going to be guessing they still say it is a genetic issue but really they will never really know.

All I want now is to get the results back before we welcome our little boy to the family it is now going into 7 months but the other part of me no longer wants to know anything else and feel like having an autopsy done was a big waste of time.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Day we said goodbye

On the day that Amelia passed away was a hard day I had woke because for some strange reason out dog would not stop barking and I looked at the time and thought gee Amelia is having a big sleep and that is when I reached over and placed my hand on my beautiful little girl and knew she was just not breathing and at that point I woke John up pretty calmly given the situation and said John I think Amelia has passed away and his first reaction was to jump up and pick her up and give her a cuddle for a bit then he handed her back to me at this point I broke down and cuddled my little girl while John woke his mum up and told her that Amelia had passed away and she came into me while John went and phoned his older sister to tell her and I remember saying to John’s mum that what if I had been awake maybe she would not of passed away I blamed myself for being asleep.

From the moment Amelia was born alive I always thought that when the time came for her passing we would be holding her and comforting her so she would know she was not alone at no point did I ever imagine would I wake from my sleep to find that she had passed away and then it left with not knowing if she had passed away peacefully or whether she had suffered I have had lots of doctors and nurses tell me that if she had suffered that we would of known as she was in bed between us but still it took a lot of time to accept this.

So John phoned the hospital I dressed Amelia in a pretty pink dress and wrapped her in one of her pretty pink blankets and also by this stage I had called my mum and John’s sister arrived and then we left to take Amelia to our local hospital when we got to the hospital we were met in the special care nursery by one of the doctors that was there the day Amelia was born plus and number of the nurses who had cared for Amelia was also working that day we put in a room to spend a bit of time with Amelia and to take some hand and foot prints cut some of her beautiful hair and just have lots of cuddles with Amelia my mum and one of my Aunties also came up as well as John’s sister and mum. We gave Amelia a bath the nurses did a shift change and 2 of the midwifes that was there when Amelia was born came by and said goodbye to Amelia our family left and not long after they left the doctor and a nurse that had cared for Amelia had came in and said that they had spoken to Amelia’s doctor from another hospital (Amelia was under the care of 2 doctors one at our local hospital and another one from another hospital) and had said he had the results from Amelia’s genetic testing and it all came back clear so they wanted to take 2 hole punches of Amelia’s skin and they wanted to do it soon so at this point John and I decided to leave. The last time we saw our little girl she was being lovingly cuddled by a beautiful nurse had cared for her this was the same nurse who was there the day we took Amelia home from the hospital she cried on that day to so at 8 am on the Sunday morning we were walking away from the hospital without our little girl this is the day we said goodbye to our firstborn a special and amazing little girl who changed our lives forever

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Big Scan

Well today was the day for our scan and I can tell you I was stressing and feeling sick we got to the hospital early and while we were sitting in the waiting out walks the dreaded doctor I did not want to see so my anxiety kicked up a notch.

We were called into a room by a lovely woman who was doing the scan and started the scan and kept pointing things out to us and the one thing John and I both agree on this baby has the same shaped head that Amelia had all was l looking good and then the lady says for us to take a seat in the waiting room as the dr will want to do a scan she also said that she could not see anything in the scan to be concerned about but I still felt nervous.

50 minutes past and we were called back in and thank God we ended up with a different dr who was just lovely and he quickly repeated the scan and asked us questions about Amelia and had a look at some photos of her and ended the scan with as far as I can see you are having a nice healthy baby.

We are very happy am feeling a bit drained now so it will be an early night for me

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Scan and Doctors

Tomorrow we go for our scan and one thing that worries me beside the obvious is the chance of getting the same doctor that did our scan at 20 & 28 weeks with Amelia.

When I last saw my obstetrician at 17 weeks he handed me a slip of paper and said “Sorry to do this to you Linda I know how you feel about having to go to this hospital for a scan but we need you to have it done there”. With Amelia we had the scan done and it was performed by the same doctor who I feel needs a bit of a wakeup call and to realise he is not God.

We were told by this doctor our little girl would definitely have Trisomy 13 and wanted me to have an amnio done as we had told them we would not terminate the pregnancy so his solution was for me to do it and then at 32 weeks go to my local hospital to be induced at the first scan I was in shock and just took everything as gospel and just nodded and agreed with him but I did not want to have the amnio done then and there so we planned to wait a bit longer and discuss this at our 28 week scan. So off to home we go and did some research and spoke to people I found that doctors will not do anything to help babies with trisomy 13 and that in most cases yes the babies with trisomy 13 did pass away but not all and plus on the one website I found 3 different cases of an amnio being incorrect and these 3 babies turned out not to have T13 sadly 2 of those cases the little babies were very sick and did pass away and one of the babies was induced at 32 weeks just like the doctor recommend I do was totally healthy but cause of the diagnosis of T13 nothing was done to help mature the lungs of the baby so the parents and that baby had to go through a lot of stress and a lot of time in hospital that would not of been necessary. All this was convincing me to stick with the not wanting to have the amnio plus I was really angry as I had said I would not terminate but really what this doctor was wanting me to do was a late termination.

I talked to my Ob at the time (which luckily enough is the same Ob I have now) and agreed that due to the fact I would not terminate that there was not much point in the amnio and that we would go for the 28 week scan and see if there were any changes than after that we would not have any more scans done and relax and enjoy my pregnancy and that I would be induced at 38 weeks. We were all happy with this plan.

Off we go for my 28 week scan we also had a student midwife come with us as she already worked at this hospital and a little bit more support would be nice, the scan went ahead and nothing had got worse but nothing had got better and then came the amnio talk, well this did not go well I told the silly dr that I had talked to my ob and decided against it but apparently he had other ideas and started getting angry at us and then John and him nearly got into an argument and being I hate confrontation I ended up saying that I would think about it some more which I was not going to but thought it would be easier to walk out and never come back for the scan but then to top it off we started to talking to a midwife there and happened to mention I was going to be induced at 38 weeks and then proceeded to get a brief lecture about how bad it was for me to be induced I mean really what was it to these people I was not even having my baby at the hospital.

We walked out of that hospital thinking that would be the end of it but no at my 30 week check up with my Ob (my student midwife was at this appointment to) I was greeted with the news that the doctor who had done my scans had contacted him and asked him to place pressure on me to have the amnio done but my Ob did not agree with him and proceeded to tell me why I should not have it done.

When Amelia was born it was discovered that she did not have T13 in fact whatever her genetic disorder was would never be picked up by an amnio so if I had gone through with it would have told them nothing.

We have briefly seen the dr again when Amelia spent a few days at the hospital (another long story which is also another reason I do not like this hospital) and we were very tempted to approach him and say he was oh so wrong but did not hopefully the not so nice letter that my Ob wrote to the hospital after Amelia was born had some sort of impact on him but I highly doubt it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Emotions

Ok so clearly I have not written in 12 months so to give a very brief catch up here is where I am at.

We went for the detailed scan and they found that our little girl Amelia had a number of issues which led them to believe she had Trisomy 13 which is not compatible with life so John and I declined further testing and decided to continue with our pregnancy without interference so on the 12th of August at 38 weeks I was induced and on the 14th of August Amelia Grace McGowan was born bring so much joy to our lives and after a lot of testing she was found not to have trisomy 13 and to date her genetic disorder is still unknown but we were still told due to the severity of the problem with her brain and kidney’s that she would still not survive so we decided to take her home with us which is where she stayed till 3 months and 1 week of age on the 21st of November she passed away sleeping between her mum and dad.

Fast-forward to now (I will go into more detail with what we went through and our time with Amelia as time goes on) I am 20 weeks pregnant this week and also this Friday it will have been 6 months since we said goodbye to our little angel Amelia and we have our 20 week scan this week so this is one emotional week for John and I.

Come Thursday at 1.30pm I am having a detailed scan done so far this pregnancy I have remained very optimistic but now we are so close to our 20 week scan I can’t help but worry due to the autopsy results being back we are still very unsure of why Amelia had this condition or what it is so we have been told that we have a 1:50 chance of it happening again but that could change so this week I am struggling with the not knowing the other thing I am finding very hard this week is missing my baby girl a lot this week I was told as time goes on it gets easier but at the moment I am finding it harder cause all I really want to do is curl up in bed and have snuggles with my little girl this is what I really want to do but unfortunately it is not possible don’t get me wrong I always miss and love Amelia and always wish I could be holding her but recently that desire is a lot stronger than it normally is which is strange and I am starting to think part of the reason I am feeling this way is due to the fact that on Thursday we will find out if this baby is a healthy baby or if this little one has the same genetic disorder as his/her big sister.

I am planning to Blog on a regular basis no matter what the scan shows on Thursday so please bear with me because really I am all very new to this whole blog thing