Thursday, December 29, 2011

Missing Out

Do you ever feel like you are missing out on something?

This is how I feel all the time I am missing out on my little girl I am missing out on seeing her grow and knowing what sort of person she would of made.

I am missing out on seeing her and Israel together I have seen Israel watch other kids and smile and light up while watching other kids I know he would of loved to watch his big sister and being able to play with her.

I am just straight up missing my little girl

Monday, December 19, 2011

So much to say

I know it has been a long time and trust me I have so much to say but always seem to hesitate in saying it.

I feel a bit guilty. I love Amelia and Israel exactly the same and have cared for them exactly the same way BUT I feel more attached to Israel and at the end of the day I believe that me feeling more attached to Is is because subconsciously to an extent I protected myself when it came to Amelia.

You would think I would be looking forward to Christmas this year as we have Is with us BUT I am not really feeling it I feel very aware that I should have a one year old who should be trying to get at the presents under the tree and come Christmas day be more interested in the packaging rather than the gifts themselves.

Israel is such a happy boy love my little family and am missing Amelia a lot at the moment.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Oh Israel has a present from Amelia under the Christmas tree this year my beautiful mum had bought Amelia a Christmas present last year before she left us and she gave it to me to give to Is this year from Amelia so I think this will be our way of including Amelia in our Christmas every year :)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Looking at the positive

A very common question I get being pregnant is

Is this your first?

Well I chose to be up front and honest and my answer is always no this is our second and then the next question is always

How old is your other one?

Well then the answer is actually our little girl passed away at 3 months of age.

Now the first thing out of a persons mouth is I am so sorry and you know I kind of feel bad that people so bad for asking cause John and I look on having Amelia as a very positive thing one of the best things to happen to us being blessed with Amelia as our daughter YES it is sad that she is no longer here physically with us but our little girl lived her life even though it was short but she had a good life and was loved YES I would love for her to still be with us on earth but wanting this does not change anything.

From them saying sorry we try to turn it around and try get people see the positive of what having Amelia has done and that we are not sad or scared to talk about her as we are proud of her and would at the end of it having people walk away from us not feeling bad for us but happy for us the blessing we have to of been gifted with Amelia.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Coming to an end

Well I can't believe that my pregnancy is almost at an end and we will soon be meeting out little boy (not so little) the time has gone quick but in terms of meeting our little boy it can't come quick enough.
As my pregnancy has gotten close to the end emotionally I have found fit a bit harder and never had the sort of feelings I have now that I did in Amelia's pregnancy, With Amelia I was in no hurry to have Amelia come out so I was never impatient I also never overly stressed if she had a quiet day but with this little boy I am just wanting to be full term so he can come out and I have also got worried when he has gotten quiet and taken myself off to the hospital to have him monitored because of it.
I think the reason for these feelings may be (A) because in my mind Amelia was safe while she was inside so I did not want her to come out into the unknown world (B) I knew it was likely that she would not make it to birth so in some part of me had prepared myself for that (C) I am more so aware of the things that can go wrong in pregnancy.
So in about 2 and a half weeks we will be expecting to welcome our little boy into the world praying that things go smoothly and our little boy is very healthy and happy.
Just wanted to wish all the fathers out there a beautiful fathers day and specially my wonderful husband John you are such an awesome dad and words cannot say how glad I am that you are the father of my children xxx

Friday, August 12, 2011

Getting to know Amelia Grace

The greatest gift I have ever received was having the chance to get to know our beautiful little girl the time may of been short (no amount of time would of ever been long enough) but we have a lifetime of memories that John and I as well as our friends and family can talk about.


While I was pregnant we learnt we had a very stubborn girl (this served her well) at our 2nd 20 week scan they were trying to get a good look at her brain well she had other ideas and moved up behind my belly button which meant the dr spent a good deal of time trying to push her out from behind it and as soon as they did she would go directly back behind it she proved in all scans that she had that she was going to do what she wanted and very rarely co-operated the other big thing was as soon as anyone besides me would touch my belly she would stop moving (this upset John a bit).


Right from the moment Amelia was born she was very much a daddy's girl and her daddy was very smitten with his little girl she also continued with her stubbornness and had the will to prove a lot of people wrong being born alive was one of her first things she did which it was not expected to do. I remember on her first night of being out in the world I was sitting in the SCN there were to lovely nurses on and a handful of babies they were playing some music and singing along to it (the nurses not the babies )and one of the nurses got to talking to me and she said I don't think she has trisomy 13 or 18 because she is not acting the way a baby with this behaves as she was doing so well her stats were really good (we were not expecting the results back to the next day)Amelia kept this going and never did what anyone expected her to do including us her parents.

When Amelia was 6 days old we were at our local hospital the decision was made that we wanted to take her home to be with us so we were put into a parents room with the aim that if Amelia made it to Sunday (they had told us that they felt Amelia would not make it through the weekend)that we would take her home and we needed to know how to care for her and to make sure we would not panic if anything went wrong and from that night our baby girl had gone from a baby that was more than happy to sleep in the cot of a night time to a baby who would not sleep unless with her parents this lead us to having to co-sleep as Amelia would not sleep any other way and we tried on numerous occasions to get her to sleep on her own.

I could go on for ages about lots of stories about Amelia but to sum her up she was a beautiful little girl (we used to get random strangers make comments about her all the time) she was a very peaceful girl (people would often say that they felt very peaceful around her) strong willed and was going to do things her own way and in her own time including the way and the when she passed away (medical professionals would often say that she was not what they expected and the amount of times we heard she was going to pass away in the very near future and she never did and she also did not stay with us till Christmas like John and I wanted her to). Amelia loved her pram and her swing, she was cuddly and loved her cuddles and knew how to get them.

she has bought so much Joy to us and our family and we can never imagine going through life and never of getting to meet her

Happy Birthday to our beautiful little angel we know you are in heaven and we look forward to the day we will be with you and be able to hold you again

Monday, July 25, 2011

Not The Natural Order Of Things

On Thursday I went for what I thought would be a very quick usual visit to the hospital well that trip turned to me being sent on my way to relax at maternity assessment for a few hours ( the emotions that bought up is a whole other post but just know both baby and mum are fine :).

While chilling at maternity assessment I got talking to one of the nurses about how a loss of a child is just something you never get over ( all though there seems to be a lot of people out there who think you should just get over it ) this nurse herself had never experienced the loss of a child but her mother did and she said her mum never got over it really or forgot the child and I personally know it is something that we are going to get over and forget we have a daughter that we will miss for the rest of our lives until the day that we are again with her.

My grandmother had a little girl that passed away a few hours after birth this is all we know as back in her day it was something that you just did not talk about so we know nothing about the situation and of course we have wondered if it is possible if our little girl and the little girl who really would of been my aunty had suffered the same medical condition. When I was about 16 I think my Uncle Michael passed away in his very early 40's and my grandmother was devastated by this and I remember her saying to me you are just not meant to out live your children that is not how it is meant to be at all it's not natural.

I wonder if this is the reason it is a lot harder to cope with the loss of a child as apposed a loss of a loved one? I have lost some loved ones who I was very close to and really loved and still miss but none of that compares to how I feel over the loss of my daughter

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Something as simple as a facebook profile picture

Since the 14th of August 2010 on both mine and John's facebook profile picture Amelia has been a part of it accept maybe once I briefly changed mine and Amelia was not in the photo but it did not stay that way for very long anyway this got John and I talking about the thought of changing our profile pics.

We both find this a bit hard and upsetting (seems silly I know) in an ideal world it would not be an upsetting issue it would be a case of having a photo with our 2 children that we could use as a picture and not feeling like having to make a choice or feel like we are neglecting one of our children in any way .

We did not have another baby to replace Amelia as all children we may have in the future are children we had to grow our family and will all be loved and cherished and just as important as Amelia was and Amelia will never be forgotten an we know this but why then is it so hard that something as simple as changing a facebook profile picture so upsetting and feel like that we will be letting down one of our children?